The People- Pleasing Pattern

Putting ourselves first feels unsafe for those with people-pleasing patterning. That is the cold hard truth. Helping others has been shown to regulate our nervous systems, and humans use adaptive patterning/behavior to cope with adversity. We all do this, not some of us, all of us. Have you heard of the “tend and befriend” response? It is a coping response to stress. When stressed it can help to reach out to another for comfort.

Our please and appease response is reflexive too, meaning we are not conscious of the reactivity of people-pleasing. It comes unannounced, it is a natural part of who we are and how we protect ourselves in relationships with others.

Many of us become so patterned that we unconditionally tune out our own needs when we hear the needs of another. And the reflex of, “How can I help?” comes into our nervous system. It can also be in the form of advice for some. I hear so many folks offer advice, and I wonder, is this the part of them that wants to help? I am more prone to offer support and empathy, but these patterned responses are from the same set of needs that bore the reflex of people-pleasing. We have huge hearts and want to help. 

So, where did it all begin? This patterning is so engrained because it began as a child. Our nervous system is wired to pick up safety, it is an unconscious and automatic process through neuroception. At some point, in our young lives, we felt unsafe. The needs of our caregivers exceeded our own needs, and in creating safety by pleasing them (or caring for them) we embodied the process of please and appease adaptation. An adaptation is a response that temporarily gets your needs met in that environment. That is why is is adaptive. It was helpful, at times necessary, and met our survival needs. Children need to feel safe, and will adapt to find safety and security. This is part of being human.

In this adaptation, our locus of control is on others. When they are well, we feel safe. When they are okay, we feel okay. We may find ourselves constantly scanning our world, being sensitive to the needs of others, noticing energy that is negative and try to appease it, or even feel compelled to help others when they are in need. All from this please and appease adaptation response.

There is healing and hope to managing this automatic response. The first step is to be aware when the response kicks in, and then focus on how were are feeling in that moment. Pause, don’t act. Instead, lean into what we are feeling and what we need in the moment.

Then the shift begins to happen. We start expressing ourselves differently, taking up space. It comes to pass that we “own” (recognize, accept, and express) our feelings about the world. Our inner locus of control (more on locus of control in another blog) gains strength. We care as much about ourselves, as we do others.

We don’t need to rush in to rescue another or fix, we can trust the world to care for itself. Give space for your inner world to focus on you. Relate to yourself, your needs, and how to meet those—day by day.

This is the healing. I am now the healer, and open to discussing these issues and many more in the world of codependency, adaptive patterning, and the people-pleasing trauma response. Reach out if this resonates!