Relating to “No”
Learning how to create boundaries begins with knowing what we want. This is not easy for the people-pleaser who has unknowingly dedicated all relational space to the uncanny ability to read and meet the needs of others.
(People-pleasing is also known as the please and appease trauma response.)
I realized in my healing journey, that I needed a better relationship with myself. When I know who I am, what I want, and how I want to be treated, then the boundaries will appear. Not immediately, but eventually.
Understanding this relationship with myself began with understanding my relationship with the word, “no”. The realization that I was saying “yes” when I meant or felt “no” was something I had gotten used to. I didn’t like it, but didn’t everyone feel this way? Well, that’s what I thought. What I now understand is that for me, and many others, saying “yes” is reflexive. For me, it was a default program that was offered, without being examined. After using the default “yes”, and then acknowledging the feeling of “no”, I would then lean on that easily overused apology I carry around in my back pocket. I remember realizing it was actually easier to apologize and take some blame, than it was to actually say “no”. When this all surfaced within me, I knew I had work to do.
The recovery journey then turned into addressing the guilt for saying “no”, and working through the empowerment phase of lifting myself back up. I know this may sound tedious for those who find that saying “no” comes easily. It is a lot of work to pick apart your programmed responses to find the authentic voice. That is work, and it may be THE work for us all.
I do like the word “No” now. “No, No, No”. Let it roll off your tongue. Notice the length and the curtness of it. I like its usefulness, its shortness, and the direct quality of “no”. It usually has a follow-up reasoning, that can sound apologetic. But I still use it. I was proud of myself recently when I heard myself say, “No, I can’t make it” or “No, that won’t work for me” then offering a more workable solution. These are the moments to remember how far I have come. If this resonates, give yourself credit. You deserve it. It is hard work to risk disappointing others.
More inner healing arrived when I noticed how I felt when I was engaged with others.. I would ask myself, “Do I feel recognized and valued?”. Devaluing was a huge part of my toxic relationships. I deserve validation and appreciation, as we all do. Only I was forgoing that feeling as a luxury, something that was great if it happened, but not necessary. Now it is necessary and important to me. I'm putting that energy into the world now and the tide is changing. The result is that I am finding that more people are sharing their appreciation of my contributions than ever before. The universe is working, I just needed to ask for more. I now check in with my feelings before offering, and then use my “no” word if I need to move in a different direction.
“No” is a choice I make to advocate for me. That is the root of authenticity.