The Narcissist’s Weaponizing of “No”

“No” is powerful. And it has its place. 

Many folks who seek connection over conflict have trouble using the word “No” because they don’t want to lose or wound that attachment to the other by saying, “No. The fear of losing connection is larger than the fear of not speaking up. In doing this they abdicate all of their power in the relationship. Of course, this is not healthy, however, overuse of the word “No” can impede connection.

A healthy “No” is used to set a boundary or to describe a position. It is helpful and informative. When “No” is used to have a clearer connection with another (via greater understanding or communication) it works perfectly. 

The truth is, in any form, “No” is a power position. The power to speak, the power to set limits and boundaries, and the power to decide what is good for you. It is interesting to think about “No” and the terrible twos or during adolescence (those periods of development where “No” is a way to negotiate or define oneself) and how powerful that word is and the havoc it can raise! Of course, this stage is entirely appropriate and typically positioned as a way to gain more power in their relationships with parents.  And to be clear, “No” is completely appropriate to use and express! In fact, I am often coaching others on how to use “No” to self advocate.

But “No” can be weaponized. “No” is a power position, a control position. It allows access to and power over a situation. In relationships, “No” can be divisive and blocking. It can feel dismissive and devaluing to the person hearing it.  It can stall an interaction and create barriers to solutions or understanding. When someone states a need or want, and the answer is “No”, the connection is blocked. When someone states a thought or interpretation, and the other says “No” it halts further communication. This is especially true of those with high narcissistic personality traits. Saying “No” for any reason gives them higher ground and control. This is what narcissists need to feel safe - power and control. It is unfortunate because it blocks true connection. In fact, “No” can keep others out. This might be another goal of the narcissist because letting others in is too vulnerable of a position to take. When we are vulnerable, we might just get hurt. “No” creates a safe barrier for them.

For those healing from narcissistic abuse, I often hear them share the demeaning feelings associated with constantly being told "No” but not feeling like they could express that themselves without being told they are selfish or self-centered, when in essence they were making a bid for connection. In truth, any need or want they had was being dismissed or belittled by being told “No”.

Let’s take a closer look at how this all pans out in our nervous system. For us to feel safe in our nervous system, we need connection. We are social beings who need to connect and ground with others. Have you ever noticed when you have a good conversation with someone how good it makes you feel inside?  This was a critical aspect of Covid when so many of us missed out on these conversations with others that built safety. We are designed to be socially engaged for safety. We are truly pack animals! So although a high-trait narcissist may use others for “power over” it is truly “power with” that feeds the nervous system properly. 

I encourage those who struggle with saying “No” too quickly, to consider some alternatives.

If this sounds like you, or someone you know, the idea of finding a way to say “maybe” or “let me think about it” or just hitting the pause button before saying “No” can be a helpful concept if someone is making a request or sharing a thought. Even engaging in discussion about the whys of “No” is better than just simply stating “No”. I have found that those who overuse “No” often find they have to pull back their “No”, double-down on the “No, or overexplain why they said “No” which can dig a hole deeper than it needs to be. If someone is crossing a boundary then “No” is appropriate, of course.

If you are a recipient of the frequent and connection-halting “No” I want to hold space for you and validate your feelings. You likely feel like you are not listened to, or validated within your relationship. You may even feel outside of the relationship, like the person saying “No” is keeping you out. And this may be true. You may be seeking power-with and they are seeking power-over. I encourage you to discuss this with the person you are in a relationship with, if they will hear you. If not, find someone to talk to.  This type of interaction can feel very dismissive and devaluing and is often not addressed and can go on for years. The devaluing that emerges from this can undermine your own sense of agency or self-esteem. 

We are all in relationship with ourselves and others. Feeling heard sometimes means we don’t feel the same way as others, or we disagree with others. It is important to be able to voice this. However, if using “No” becomes simply a way to engage in power over another, it becomes a weapon to keep the other down. Healthy relationships hold space for everyone.