Shift your focus - The Locus of Control is you

We all know that we can’t change others, but yet we wish we could!

The term “locus of control” arrived in the field of psychology in the 1950’s (psychologist Julian Rotter), referring to how people perceive the cause of events in their lives. Rotter believed that people’s personalities and their environment shape this perception. People with a strong internal locus of control tend to attribute success and failure to their own actions, while people with a strong external locus of control tend to attribute them to external factors, like the workplace, the boss, fate, luck, etc.

This concept of Locus of Control is an important one. When we attribute success to the behavior of others, or outside forces, we are also abdicating our own power in creating the life we want. This is an important feature in the life of codependency. We can focus on the needs, feelings, and desires of others, and feel good about our contribution to that, however, all of that time, attention, and focus on others leaves us without. We may also be robbing the other of their own decision-making and learning when we swoop in to rescue or solve their problems. We may even get resentful that the other isn’t giving us the same attention and focus ( which can result in blaming them for life not being the way we want).

One reminder here is that people pleasing is part of a please and appease trauma response. So these behaviors that focus on the needs of others are part of how we have learned to create safety for ourselves and are largely unconscious and automatic. In order to change this concept, we need to consciously and intentionally create a safe inner world for ourself and allow others to do the same.

When we pull in that focus, and begin to attend to our own inner compass, letting that guide us, we lean into authentic living and trust building. Relationships are about trust and we need to trust that the other can get their needs met, and that our job is to tend to our own. This gives the other the freedom to be more autonomous and gives us the freedom to care for our own needs.

Having a strong internal locus of control is what creates a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness. Of course we need to credit others for their own behavior as well. Understanding where you end and another begins is a central focus of the healing work and the behavior around this is known as boundary setting.

One way that I move towards my internal locus of control is an exercise that begins with (1.)taking a pause when I feel like helping, rescuing, or relieving someone else’s distress. The second step is to (2.) detach - offer space between me and the other person. I take a breath and ask myself, “Is this my problem? Am I staying in my lane/on my side of the fence?” Then I (3.)focus on what it is that I need at that moment. Do I need a break? To offer support (not help or advice)? or to even just say and do nothing and allow the person space to figure it out themselves. Consider that the other person may need to take action, or responsibility. This is not for you to pick up. Instead, focus on what it is that you need in the moment.

Once again, the solution, as simple as it sounds, is to choose you.